StraighterLine to Field First Online Basketball Squads in NCAA History

Barry Lenson

StraighterLine to Field First Online Basketball Squads in NCAA History

As we dribble onward into March Madness, we have some unbelievable news to share.

Thanks to a loophole in NCAA rules pertaining to team qualification, StraighterLine has been able to secure a place on the Final Four tournament card for its two virtual online basketball teams, the StraighterLine Distancers (men) and StraighterLine Sharks (women). It’s the first time in history of modern collegiate sports that a virtual online school will take the court against real university teams. And the world of collegiate sports is reeling.

NCAA March MadnessTo your left, you will find a recent photo of the StraighterLine Distancers. The team members in the front row are (left to right): Pinkie Waldrew, Bugs Mulligan, Maurice “Dunk” Monceau, Carlo Propulso, and Zladislow Czrzptz. In the second row are (left to right):  Frank Right (equipment manager), Josef Katz, Emmanuel Cammarano (Coach), Waldo P. Esperance, Jack Drimble and Ricky “Shortypants” Groves.

And meet the StraighterLine Sharks. The team members are (left to right) Wendy Wampole, Jenny “the Hammer” Skreplinsy, Meg Jones, HarrietNCAA March Madness “Three Pointer” Eck, June Jones, Helena “Tower of Power” Krakatovia, and Claudia Propulso (sister of Carlo, who plays on the men’s team). The team coach, Elena Microchippe, is not shown.

“A lot of people really didn’t want to make a place for these fine young virtual athletes in the NCAA tournament finals this year,” says Nico Matt, Vice President of Tournament Entrance Qualification Procedures for the NCAA. “But somebody had to take a stand and say that even if these men and women only exist in cyberspace, they still deserve their chance to prove themselves in the white-hot light of fierce intercollegiate competitive sport where men are men, women are women, basketballs are basketballs, hoops are hoops, and only the brave inscribe their names in the blood-and-guts pantheon of athletic glory for all eternity today and forevermore. It happens every year.”

How will the digital Distancers and the Sharks play against real, living, tall humans in short pants? Details are still being hammered out by NCAA officials, but will be in place by the time our virtual teams stride onto the court for the NCAA Final Four rounds in late March.

Until they win, you can prepare by memorizing the StraighterLine team cheer:

StraighterLine! StraighterLine!

We don’t care you’re just online!

You’re on fire, WHOA!

Take a shot, WHOA!

Sink it from the three-point line!

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