Stanford/Yale Merger Rattles American Higher Education

Barry Lenson

Stanford University and Yale UniversityStanford University and Yale have announced their plans to merge. The resulting hybrid university – to be called Stale University – will be located in a new campus that is being built in Minto, Kansas, at a point that lies exactly at the middle point of the 3,329 miles that separate Stanford and Yale.

“That’s only fair” said Fauntleroy “Binky” Plantagenet IV, Yale’s 193rd President, who seemed overcome with emotion as he made his announcement before the Yale community in historic Woolsey Hall. “A new era has dawned in American education. In Stale, we will create a new kind of educational institution that has come out of nowhere and which is sure to go nowhere just as quickly.”

Zip Karmo, Stanford’s President, concurred. “I hail from the high-tech sector,” he said, “and now that we’re all on the same page and have achieved buy-in, what we have here is an outside-the-box, market-facing, synergistic paradigm which will be a win-win for all shareholders at the end of the day after we have feasted on the low-hanging fruit. All hail to Stale!”

A Big Day in American Higher Education

Astonishingly, the melding of Stanford and Yale was not the only merger announced within just the last week. To summarize just a few . . .

  • The University of Waterbury and Carnegie Mellon University will merge and become Water Mellon University.
  • Brown University and Colgate will become Brown Colgate University.
  • Reed College and the University of Wooster will become Rooster College.
  • Rice University and Ball State will become Rice Ball University.
  • Rollins College and Harvey Mudd College will become Rollin Mudd College.
  • Cornell University and Ball State will become Corn Ball University.
  • Harvard University and Haverford College will become Haverharvardford University.
  • Mount Holyoke and James Madison will become Mount James Madison College.
  • The University of Hartford and Knox College will become the School of Hart Knox.
  • Iona, Brown and Dodge Colleges will become Iona Brown Dodge University. 

Okay, you’re getting the idea. Happy April Fool’s Day from StraighterLine!

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2 thoughts on “Stanford/Yale Merger Rattles American Higher Education”

  • Ted Phelps

    Mr Lenson, I don't know why such terribly sad, sad news (I went to Yale, now Stale), would bring me such pleasure, but laughter is good medicine, and I am most grateful for your work in transmitting it.

  • Mona Molarsky
    Mona Molarsky April 4, 2013 at 9:41 am

    Just love that corporate quote from Zip Karmo, " Outside-the-box, market-facing, synergistic paradigm which will be a win-win for all shareholders at the end of the day after we have feasted on the low-hanging fruit."